Deep Damnation
by soralia
Summary: A brief monologue from Asura's point of view during his imprisonment beneath Shibusen. Some dark themes.


Just a brief monologue from Asura's POV. Please read and review. I love hearing feedback!

For the first few centuries I fought. I raged against him with a ferocity born through insanity, but he knew well the best way to weaken my resolve. The pain was unbearable. Every movement brought a fresh burst of agony. But the real pain brought on when he tore away my flesh was not of the physical sort. When he trapped me here without even the protection of my skin, he played upon my greatest fears. For the first time in my existence, an existence of power and control, he laid me bare to the world. There was nothing between me and them, nothing to shield me from their sight. And in that singular moment, the last remnants of my tenuous sanity fled and my spirit crumbled into the ultimate madness. That final act of cruel indignity that demolished the last frayed threads of my soul.

Only once I was left alone in the darkness, bound far beneath the waking world, did the rage return. Who can say for how many days, how many years I clawed desperately against the bag of flesh that bound me, desperate for the feel of air that I had so long shielded myself from. For the chance to break free into the world once more I would have gone naked before the masses that moved so far above me. I could feel their presence; a sea of souls so near that at times I felt I could reach out and grasp them. Yet my thoughts could not reach them: an unending refrain of cries in the darkness, unheard by any soul save my own.

No. Perhaps he heard me. He must have, for there were times, few as they were, when his soul flinched and wavered. It was those times, merely one or two in as many centuries, that hope surged within me and far above, some poor soul caught between a clash of gods, would break. Reason would shatter and for one brief moment, I would dare to dream of escape.

_you knew how i suffered the whole time you knew didn't you bastard shinigami! did you laugh when i screamed in the darkness so dark so dark that the world became a dream and the darkness became the world and light was a lie and air was an illusion and mine was the only voice and mine was the only pain and you knew all the time how i suffered in the darkness! were you afraid of me shinigami did you want the power i found did you want to be me! you who are bound by rules and ambition is wrong and fear is wrong and the world bowed to you and you reached out your hand to crush those whose ways were not your own those who were afraid their fears were nothing their hopes were nothing they only wanted to be safe to be free from fear to be free from worry to be free from their eyes always staring always judging always wary did you think you were BETTER THAN ME_

...

Sometimes I am sad. He and I were once comrades. I think sometimes that he had no wish to do these things to me. Two beings of such opposite nature could never coexist without bringing about the destruction of the world. Any world under my power would be driven by fear and ruled by insanity. I knew that. Yet in the end, it was better to feel safe than to feel afraid and the most certain cure for fear is insanity.

It was in those last months of freedom when I felt the most unafraid. For the first time since I was a boy, I removed the scarves that bound my face and turned my eyes to the sunlight and felt the warmth upon my cheeks and my brow. Not the stuffy, uncomfortable feeling that came from being always choked beneath heavy cloth, but warmth and air and light. But such moments of pure contentment were never meant to last. Fear returned. All of the old fears and new ones as well. The fear of discovery. With discovery came questions. With questions came uncertainty. Certainly they would ask 'how do you like the world without your scarves, Asura?' And how would I reply? There were no words for such feelings but silence would never do. They would simply look on me with worry and wonder why I was so silent.

Yes, it was best not to change.

_but you would never have let me change would you you were all afraid of the things i saw with my newly opened eyes and the feeling of wind and the smell of air were nothing to you who only saw what you wanted to see and only knew what you wanted to know and understood nothing of fear and of uncertainty and of the dark things that drive a man to his breaking point and slowly drive him beyond the world that you understand until he sees things that you can never see and knows things you can never know and thats why im here isnt it shinigami you bastard! how can you judge what you cannot see and what you cannot know and what you cannot feel and yet you cast me out for knowing what i know and seeing what i see and you question why WHY always WHY and you dont listen to the answer he is my weapon to do with as i please the weapon exists to serve the meister the weapon is mine to devour it is MINE but you ask WHY so in the end its best to not answer at all because YOU CANNOT KNOW WHAT IT IS I KNOW_

…

It was never my intention to devour him. He was my friend. But he did not understand. Our souls grew apart. The world seemed to crumble around us. What other choice was there but to exert my will, my dominance?

Is this my penance, then? For my selfishness in seeking an end to the fear? Do you want me to repent, Shinigami? Will you come to me in a thousand years and again ask why? Why did you do it, Asura? We were comrades. We were _friends werent we but you cannot see what i see or know what i know! no answer I can give will be enough to satisfy your pride and your arrogance and your damnable pride and you have won havent you you have crushed me and you punish me and you stand your eternal guard over my damnation and you still ask why and i ask why why why WHY WHY!!! and WHEN AND HOW LONG AND WHY WHY WHY! WHY DO YOU BETRAY ME! _

…

The only thing left is to wait, isn't it? To wait for air and light to return to the world. To wait until I can banish darkness and pain and rise again into the light of your world. To wait until my pain becomes your pain and my hate becomes your hate. Or perhaps when I have repented enough you will come to me and we will embrace as we once did. And you will forgive me for my mistakes.

And I will tear your soul asunder and scatter it to the wind and the light and the air and when in your final instant of clarity you ask me why, I will finally have an answer.


End file.
